When Standards Become Walls: Are You Blocking Love?
- Javi
- Apr 2
- 2 min read
We love a woman with standards. She knows her worth. She’s not entertaining anything beneath her peace. She’s no longer impressed by bare minimum effort or sweet nothings wrapped in inconsistency.
But here’s a quiet truth most people don’t talk about: Sometimes, those high standards… become walls.
And not the kind that filter out misalignment.The kind that block intimacy, softness, and possibility.
Standards vs. Self-Protection
When we’ve been disappointed, breadcrumbed, ghosted, or blindsided, it makes sense to raise the bar. It’s a form of emotional self-preservation. But what starts as discernment can morph into fear-based control:
“He has to be emotionally available, 6'3, and make six figures — or I’m out.”
“If he doesn’t say exactly what I want in the first text, I’m done.”
“I don’t do coffee dates. I don’t do last-minute plans. I don’t do small talk.”
Listen, some of that might be fair. But if every interaction is being filtered through suspicion, disappointment, or a hyper-focus on being “vetted,” you’re not dating — you’re defending.
Are You Creating Connection… or Protecting Yourself From It?
Let’s be honest: The woman who says, “I don’t tolerate nonsense” often used to tolerate too much. The woman who’s “unavailable to nonsense” may still be secretly scared that love will hurt again.
And so we overcorrect. We go from being too open… to being impenetrable.
But love doesn’t happen in protection mode. It happens when we’re soft and self-trusting. When we know we can handle disappointment without falling apart. When we let people show up without immediately anticipating failure.
Check Yourself: Is It a Standard or a Wall?
If It’s a Standard... | If It’s a Wall... |
It’s based on values | It’s based on fear |
It creates clarity | It creates distance |
It’s calmly communicated | It’s used to test or provoke |
It filters in aligned people | It pushes everyone away |
What Real Standards Look Like
Standards don’t need to be loud. They don’t need to be defensive. They don’t need to be posted all over social media like a disclaimer.
Real standards are quiet confidence in action:
Knowing what you’re available for without needing to convince anyone to meet it
Allowing people to reveal themselves — without forcing them into a mold
Releasing connections that don’t align without needing a villain
Try This Soft Reset:
If you’re unsure whether you’ve built a boundary or a wall, ask:
“Am I making this decision from clarity… or from fear?”“Am I expressing a preference… or testing someone’s ability to perform?”“Do I feel more peaceful… or more lonely, guarded, and anxious?”
And then, allow yourself to soften.Let someone surprise you. Let yourself be seen again — not just for your standards, but for your spirit.
The Takeaway:
High standards are beautiful. But don’t let them become armor you wear to avoid ever feeling disappointment again. You can be soft and selective. You can be open and discerning. You can be magnetic without being a fortress.Because the love you deserve? It doesn’t need to scale walls. It just needs room to reach you.
Want the basics on how to strategically date?
Join my free 5 email course faeturing the High-Value Dating Playbook and learn how to vet men early — without losing your softness or wasting your time.
Comments