Stop Being ‘Understanding’: How to Drop the Pick-Me Mindset in Dating

Too many women are performing emotional acrobatics under the banner of being “understanding.” He disappears for days? You tell yourself “he’s probably just overwhelmed.”

He says he’s “not ready for anything serious,”but still wants all the benefits of your time, energy, and body? You rationalize: “He’s just been hurt before.”

You’re not being understanding.You’re being hopeful in a situation that demands standards.

And whether you realize it or not, that’s Pick-Me behavior!

What Is the Pick-Me Mindset?

The Pick-Me moniker comes from back in the day in elementary school and the teacher was looking to call on someone to perform a task or answer a question. Everyone would raise their hand drastically in the air and shout, "oh me. Me! Pick me. Pick me!"

Fast forward to present day, the "pick me" isn't always the woman shouting “I’m not like other girls" although that certainly is a kind of a "pick me". It’s often the woman who tries too hard to empathize with bad behavior.

It sounds like:

• “He’s just busy with work right now.”

• “At least he’s honest about not wanting a relationship.”

• “He has potential, he just needs time.”

• “I don’t want to be too demanding…”

• 
  

And here’s the kicker: These excuses don’t make you a better woman.They just make you an easier one.

Understanding Is a Two-Way Street

If you’re always the one making allowances, biting your tongue, waiting for him to come around —you’re not being emotionally mature. You’re being emotionally manipulated by your own desire to be chosen.

You can be soft, feminine, and empathetic without being a doormat.

How to Drop the Pick-Me Programming (for Good)

1. Stop Rewarding Emotional Laziness

Being “low maintenance” won’t make him love you more — it just ensures you won’t get what you need. Men respect the woman whose boundaries teach them how to treat her.

2. Let People Show You Who They Are—Once

When someone reveals their emotional limits, believe them. Don’t double down on compassion hoping to earn more from them later. That’s not love — that’s self-abandonment.

3. Ask Yourself: Would I Want This For My Best Friend?

If your answer is "hell no", then why are you tolerating it? Don’t twist yourself to make bad behavior feel noble.

4. Understand Him, But Choose You

Compassion can coexist with clarity. You can see why he’s the way he is — and still leave. His pain is not your project.

High-Value Women Don’t Beg to Be Chosen

You don’t need to shrink your needs to seem more lovable. You don’t need to hold space for men who won’t even hold your hand in public. You don’t need to “understand” your way into a "situationship".

You’re not a therapist. You’re not a placeholder. You are the prize — and the prize doesn’t perform.

Ready to Drop the Pick-Me Energy for Good?

Start your glow-up with the Becoming Her free 21-day email course. Daily prompts, mindset shifts, and dating strategy designed to help you embody high-value energy — without over-giving or overthinking.

Join the course here

Or dive deeper with my book: Redefining the Game: How to Be the Prize and Win at Love Get the book